i realized today how much of an asshole i am. every so often i get a bit more down on myself than usual, and i start to think about the girls i have dated. the correlation, i don’t know. it just happens this way, and that is that. i was seeing this awesome lady for a few months but i started to get restless and other minor things added up, apparently on both sides. so here i am now, single, lonely as hell (never a good look whilst looking) and i miss what i don’t have now. and now that i’m thinking about it, i probably didn’t have it then. with that being said, i then move on to the last peg of this whirlwind shit storm of negative emotional turmoil and ‘see’ what my ex’s are doing now. which also is never a good suggestion, or action to take if you feel as i do, which is shit. and the one i still think about, all the fucking time. she is dating her best friend now. like i didn’t expect that. you both became single within a month or so of each other. now i know i might come across as spiteful or jealous, but you would be wrong. i’m not spiteful, but i am jealous. she was an awesome person, and i fucked it up. i hurt her feelings, then in turn i also fucked mine as well. so the moral of the story is don’t ask me, because i don’t know. i just have these feelings of regret and resentment towards the part of me that cares. it’s killing me, the lack of love in my life. i miss holding hands, til palms grew sweaty. cuddling to keep from shivering. your head on my chest. i think sometimes about my “ideal” girl, now i think i just want to have someone in my life that feels the same about me as i do them. i miss that girl, but i’m happy for her. as long as he treats he right, which i think he will. she deserves to be smiling all the time. i wasn’t going to post this, but if you made it this far congrats on reading my craziness.